Big, Bad, Indiana

In the end it was not surprising that Big, Bad Indiana came into The Lake with an overwhelming army of Hoosier fans and threw a struggling Northwestern team into the not at all briny deep. The Hoosiers are a surprising undefeated Big Ten powerhouse, and Northwestern was unable to keep up as Indiana sadly took care of business on the road against an underwhelming conference opponent in its lakeside stronghold.

At the same time, the game was closer than the final scoreline appears. I know that saying that the game was closer than the scoreline suggests as a fan where your team has just lost by 17 points is silly, a “you should have seen the other guy” for a person who has just attempted to use the chair-based martial art that Stephen Seagal practices against a backhoe, but there were some encouraging signs. Northwestern’s passing game, which functioned like a funny bumper sticker on a car actively shedding muffler parts against Washington, actually appeared in this game. Quarterback Jack Lausch began to connect with receivers, including a beautiful cannon shot to Byrce Kirtz for a huge gain that took the ‘Cats to the doorstep of the Indiana goalline. Cam Porter, who returned from injury, brought some more punch to the run game while Joseph Himon was able to spring for a big chunk and helped upgrade Northwestern’s offense to respectable from the previous game’s status of mythical.

Unfortunately, Indiana’s RPO offense bamboozled Northwestern defenders. Though they held firm enough to keep the ‘Cats in it through most of the game, Kurtis Rourke met with little resistance passing the ball. Elijah Sarratt, in particular, rampaged with virtually no resistance through Northwestern’s secondary; in the future, Northwestern should offer to let an opposing team’s top wide receiver the option of playing in the game or spending the next three hours carving up the lake on a custom-made waverunner blasting tunes and doing jumps instead having to arduously run 30 yards over and over before being  gently shoved to the sideline. After the game, David Braun seemed upset that he and his staff had not done a good enough job preparing to defend the RPO which is a slightly different approach from Pat Fitzgerald who, after being carved up by Duke’s Daniel Jones, attacked the RPO as “communism.”

The loss, combined with the unforgiving nature of Northwestern’s upcoming schedule has the 2-3 Wildcats grasping at the tendrils of bowl qualification. The ‘Cats, once an overturned Duke fumble from 3-0, are now desperately hoping for a conference win. They will have their work cut out for them this week.

I APOLOGIZE, FRIDAY NIGHT IS FOR NORTHWESTERN FOOTBALL

Northwestern football lives at 11:00AM. In earlier years, when people were making fun of the Big Ten for only having one more team than advertised, the conference seemed vaguely embarrassed that its television product contained some Northwestern content, and the 'Cats were safely shunted away at 11:00AM on ESPN regional coverage or the Big Ten Network where the Big Ten could hope that as few viewers possible would notice that they were broadcasting Northwestern ineffectually headbutting with Purdue for three hours. The 11:00AM start felt like Northwestern football, particularly as the calendar turned towards the gray sleet months, the cold beers went from refreshing to somehow chemically necessary, the wind whipped the abandoned hot dog wrappers around an empty Ryan Field, and the entire thing was over with by 2:00pm with the rest of the day left to forget what you had just witnessed.

Now, the rights for the Big Ten Network are shared among a chaotic panoply of television networks and streaming services. Nobody has paid for the rights to broadcast a Northwestern football game; the networks have paid for the rights to broadcast Michigan and Ohio State games and Northwestern comes with them like the fine print mentioning that the mansion from a distant relative someone has inherited is also haunted by an irate punter. The Wildcats have not yet played a single game at 11:00 this season. For television reasons beyond my own understanding, Northwestern has once again been flung onto national television on a Friday night, a weird time slot that gives it disproportionate resonance as one of the few college football games available that evening to a national audience but also aired at a time when a television network would attempt to burn off a failed Saved By The Bell spinoff called Young Belvedere.

The one thing I can tell you definitively about Maryland Football in 2024 is who their quarterback isn’t. For the first time in what feels like several decades, Taulia Tagovailoa will not be behind center for the Terrapins. He has been safely ensconced in Canada as a backup quarterback for the Hamilton Ti-Cats. That may sound like good news, since Tagovailoa owns the career Big Ten passing record, but there is only one Maryland quarterback who has ever defeated Northwestern in the grand four-game history of their storied Conference Rivalry, and they’ll see him again on Friday.

It’s hard to gauge how good Maryland is– they are 3-2 and lost to Indiana by slightly fewer points than Northwestern did– but the people who set betting lines on college football have tje Terps as heavy favorites. Barring a string of stunning upsets, it seems unlikely that Northwestern will be favored in any games moving forward. The ‘Cats have put together two combined halves of effective offensive football over five games and Maryland had to be eagerly watching film of Indiana carving up a young secondary and telling it's receivers to do that.  Hopefully Maryland will not have its offense imitate a quirk of Indiana's where every single time that their quarterback handed off he also ostentatiously faked a pass because while it's hard to argue that any aspect of the Indiana offense was not effective last week, I personally found that practice to be mildly annoying.  

I have no idea where Maryland’s offense fits on the Pat Fitzgerald Communism Scale– perhaps it is a European-style social democracy turning to increasing privatization under a coalition government led by a center-right party– but Northwestern needs to start upsetting teams like Maryland if they want to start trying to make a bowl game or even sneaking into one as one of those 5-7 bowl teams. They also need to solidify the program’s winning record over Maryland, one of the few Big Ten teams they currently lead along with Oregon (1-0). But don't mention it to them because they might get mad, just ask the other team Northwestern leads all-time, the Indiana Hoosiers.

SECU STADIUM, COLLEGE PARK, MARYLAND

This season for Northwestern has been all about stadiums, so this season's fiction section is an informative look at the history of opponents' stadiums that I have exhaustively researched by making all of it up. This week: what if Maryland's stadium, built in 1950s, was part of an effort for a secret defense project from the United States Military's biggest fictional goofballs.

MEMORANDUM:
Nov. 9, 1947

ASST. DEP. UND. SEC. Bython

The University of Maryland will soon begin construction on a new football stadium approximately twelve miles from the District of Columbia code named Site Acropolis. The Department of Special Projects has formed a COMMITTEE chaired by General L. Moth Pathock to explore the use of this site for a defensive project aimed at potential foreign military action against the District.

MINUTES 

SITE ACROPOLIS COMMITTEE
November, 14 1946.

Gen. Pathock, Chair
Asst. Dep. Und. Sec. Bython
Lt. Meusse
Lt. Feest
Gen. Van Mant

The CHAIRMAN introduced Site Acropolis and proposed construction for a football stadium. The stadium construction presents an opportunity for clandestine construction of a major defense project to cover the District of Columbia. The CHAIRMAN emphasized that the Committee must act quickly within the time provided before construction begins to use the stadium as cover to build a project facility.

The ASST. DEP. UND. SEC. noted that preliminary discussions with the University personnel indicated they will cooperate with installation of government equipment at site Acropolis. The university personnel have no understanding of what the military will put at site, but the  liaison on the university board (codename CUYAHOGA) told the ASST. DEP. UND. SEC. that “if you’re putting missiles down there, leave one for slowing down Bama.”

GEN. VAN MANT stated that preliminary surveillance reveals Soviet plans to use soccer stadiums to hide advanced military technological projects. He said that his CIA sources have informed him that these projects could threaten key positions in the Near East. The CIA also described the nature of these projects as “extremely communist.”

The CHAIRMAN asked GEN. VAN MANT to elaborate on these Soviet projects. GEN. VAN MANT showed the COMMITTEE plans for what the CIA believes to be a “Man-Boulder” program which would allow soldiers to be hidden in a large and powerful artificial boulder and rolled at enemies “to devastating effect.” The CHAIRMAN described these plans as “troubling.”

LT. MEUSSE proposes using site Acropolis for a program that could cover College Park, surrounding areas, and up to 65% of the District in a dense mist within four hours, depending on current wind patterns (project MANITOBA). LT. FEEST asked LT. MEUSSE about the utility of this program by comparing it to normal foggy weather conditions. LT. MEUSSE replied that he does not think he needs to explain to an officer the military value of a mist as this has been part of military tactics dating back to antiquity.

LT. FEEST said that the United States should not be trying to win the Peloponnesian War but be attempting to stop armies armed with tanks, jets, and missiles. LT. MEUSSE recommended that LT. FEEST read the book Mist Battles: The Fogs of War by Prof. G.M.K. “Gimka” Bearrolt. The CHAIRMAN noted the recommendation and suggested it as further reading by the COMMITTEE.

The ASST. DEP. UND. SEC. asked about the use of site Acropolis in LT. MEUSSE’S proposed project. LT. MEUSSE stated that the vats of misting agents could be stored in a chamber beneath the site and the bowl shape of the stadium would be effective for deploying the mist on the surrounding area. LT. FEEST questioned whether RADAR systems would not easily penetrate the mist effect, making its masking irrelevant in modern warfare. LT. MEUSSE suggested that LT. FEEST was trying to discredit MANITOBA in order to procure site Acropolis for his team’s own robotic soldier project.

LT. FESST said that the robotic soldier program focusing on using robotics technology to build an army of tactical military robots had been abandoned for more than a year and his team was working on a Robo-Soldier program (project BAKER”S DOZEN) that would augment soldiers with robotic exoskeletons. He noted that the difference in the robotic soldier program and robo-soldier program were self-evident to anyone with a basic understanding of military technology.

The CHAIR asked if LT. FEEST could use site Acropolis for his program. LT. FEEST said the site could support an underground exoskeleton manufacturing and repair facility and the field could be used to disguise a mechanism to launch robo-soldiers to any battlefield within three kilometers by using pneumatic tubes. LT. FEEST stated that the Soviets were experimenting with similar technology and would have a fully operational robo-soldier division active by 1957 at the latest and that they would easily be able to see through any level of military-grade fog by using robotic exo-goggles. LT. MEUSSE said that LT. FEEST had no evidence for the goggles and was speculating. 

THE CHAIRMAN thanked the COMMITTEE and dismissed the meeting, recommending further study.

MEMORANDUM

SITE ACROPOLIS COMMITTEE

ASST. DEP. UND. SEC. Bython
Jan. 7, 1947

Met with University contact CUYAHOGA. The University has concerns about United States military activity at Site Acropolis. University is concerned with potential exposure to radioactive materials. University is also concerned with any activity that would make Site Acropolis and the University itself targets for enemy attack or intrigue. University is also worried about clandestine work at Site Acropolis that would affect SoCon play as the Terrapins had a strong team returning with eyes on the Gator Bowl.

MINUTES

SITE ACROPOLIS COMMITTEE

Jan 16, 1947

Gen. Pathock, Chair
Asst. Dep. Und. Sec. Bython
Lt. Meusse
Lt. Feest
Gen. Van Mant

The CHAIRMAN asked the COMMITTEE to address concerns brought to the COMMITTEE from the University.

The ASST. DEP. UND. SEC. summarized the University concerns from the enclosed MEMORANDUM.

LT. MEUSSE said that the misting agents in his program (project MANITOBA) had no chemicals that could cause medical injury when stored in a vat underneath a stadium. Studies on subjects enveloped in the mist largely seemed confused or disoriented on account of not being able to see very well.

LT. FEEST asked what would happen if a dense mist was unleashed without warning on a dense civilian population, citing the possibilities of traffic accidents, persons falling into open manholes, persons bumping into each other and getting into shoving matches, etc.

LT. MEUSSE said his team had developed several strategies such as issuing a warning to relevant government agencies, using a klaxon or warning signal when the mist was deployed, or even training a brigade of civilian “Mist Wardens” that were very good at squinting in order to keep calm and order.

LT. FEEST questioned the viability of site Acropolis as a secret facility if everyone in the area would know the government had a misting weapon. He suggested that LT. MEUSSE broadcast an informative radio program about it in both English and Russian.

LT. MEUSSE asked LT. FEEST what safeguards existed to prevent his robotic soldiers from freeing themselves of human command and attacking a civilian population. LT. FEEST said that this was a situation that arose with his robotic soldiers program that he had discontinued and that he was very clear that his new project involved robo-soldiers in exoskeletons which was obviously different (project BAKER’S DOZEN). LT. FEEST urged LT. MEUSSE to stop wasting time repeatedly bringing up the robotic soldiers as everyone could see what he was doing. GEN. VAN MANT cautioned that exosuits could have a detrimental psychological effect on robo-soldiers, citing a study the CIA recovered from a German “Man-Wolf” project that led to “an orgy of unrestrained biting.”

The CHAIRMAN dismissed the COMMITTEE for further study of the questions raised by this meeting.

MEMORANDUM
ACROPOLIS SITE COMMITTEE
PROJECT BAKER’S DOZEN
LT. FEEST
Feb. 22, 1947

Summary of preliminary investigations of the psychological effects of a robo-solider program (project BAKER’S DOZEN). Subjects were administered a questionnaire designed to screen potential participants in the study. Study designed and administered by Dr. Otto Pomermatto. Subjects were asked to gauge willingness to engage with heavy machinery and openness to attaching it to their Person. Subjects removed from program after preliminary questionnaire for obvious signs of psychosis, squeamishness, and laughing. Those chosen to move forward were those with propensity for working with machinery and one subject who stated a desire to be fused with his beloved hot rod “Katy” and honk at people who cut him in the mess line. Some subjects were given a fake test about the viability of the tactical military hairpiece (“combat toup”) in order to throw off potential Communist Double Agents.

Subjects chosen for Phase II of the testing protocol were fitted with cardboard exoskeleton mockups. Subjects were tested for fatigue, range of motion, battle effectiveness, and attitudes towards exo-equipment. Of thirteen total subjects, nine of them participated in simulated exo-suit activities with what Dr. Pomeratto described as “psychologically normal” reactions. One subject broke down and screamed “get this offa me” while throwing off his cardboard exo-implements and running about the facility in undergarments before the subject was able to be calmed with the offer of an extra large cigarette. This reaction was categorized as “mostly normal.” One subject refused to participate after describing simulated exo-suit activity as “stupid.” Only two subjects fell into what Dr. Pomeratto has called “exo-madness” where they immediately saw themselves as no longer human and began attacking field staff with cardboard implements. Both have been subdued and are under further evaluation. Dr. Pomeratto suggests a larger study to develop a baseline Madness Rate, but the BAKER”S DOZEN team has concerns the potential for wider study to weaken the project’s secrecy posture.

MINUTES
SITE ACROPOLIS COMMITTEE MEETING
March 19, 1947

Gen. Pathock, Chair
Asst. Dpt. Und. Sec. Bython
Lt. Meusse
Lt. Feest
Gen. Van Mant

The CHAIRMAN requested updates on progress on projects for site Acropolis.

The ASST. DEP. UND. SEC. noted that the COMMITTEE was running out of time because the University (liaison CUYAHOGA) was eager to break ground on the new stadium so it can be finished for the 1950 season.

The CHAIRMAN asked what kind of equipment would need to be smuggled discreetly into site Acropolis during assumed stadium construction.

LT. MEUSSE said his project (MANITOBA) would require several enormous vats for storing misting chemicals that had not yet been built. They would also require several miles of underground tubing and large computer terminals that would serve as a fail safe mechanism to prevent the accidental discharge of any mist for non-military purposes. The mist could only be deployed with a complex combination of switches, buttons, and levers on two separate terminals that changed daily and could be ordered only by the Joint Chiefs.

LT. FEEST asked what would happen if someone reported it was extremely foggy in Moscow and hastily ordered a misting as a panicked countermeasure.

LT. MEUSSE said that was preposterous as everyone knows the Soviets were still decades away from misting large-scale technology which is why the United States needed to pursue its edge in the Mist Race.

The CHAIRMAN asked GEN. VAN MANT to brief the COMMITTEE on Soviet misting operations. GEN. VAN MANT would ask his CIA contacts about this, but they are currently occupied with attempting to infiltrate a suspected “Man-Seed” project where the Soviets had designed a suit based on the spinning maple “helicopter” seed pods that would spin a soldier hundreds of time per second and allow him to cover more ground and land more quickly and less detectably than current parachute technology. GEN. VAN MANT said the CIA believes the Soviets are testing this by hurling soldiers off the Ural Mountains.

LT. FEEST handed out schematics requiring multiple underground chambers for building, maintaining, and fitting exo-skeletons as well as a large Containment Chamber for any robo-soldier who had succumbed to exo-madness (project BAKER’S DOZEN). LT. FEEST said his team was still studying the feasibility of the pneumatic launching tubes since they had not yet determined whether the robo-soldiers could effectively land in a fighting posture without instantly fracturing their femurs. LT. FEEST said that the tubes should at least be placed in the facility because it would be difficult to install them after construction is finished at site Acropolis.

LT. MEUSSE asked if the soldiers would be told to “break a leg” before being fired out of a tube in the manner of thespians on the stage.

Both LT. MEUSSE and LT. FEEST agreed that both of their projects required big heavy doors that make a hissing noise when they are opened, flashing red lights and klaxons, enormous tape machines the size of a small room, and both emphasized the importance of metal catwalks that go kack kack kack when they are walked on by someone with military grade dress loafers.

The CHAIRMAN agreed to start the procurement process for these crucial items. The CHAIRMAN indicated that both proposals would be sent for further review as it was crucial to begin construction immediately.

MEMORANDUM
SITE ACROPOLIS COMMITTEE
ASST. DEP. UND. SEC. Bython
June 13, 1947

SPECIAL PROJECTS orders immediate termination of plans to build a facility at site Acropolis. SPECIAL PROJECTS reports its review of both potential uses of the site in projects MANITOBA and BAKER’S DOZEN had increased both projects’ rating from Level 4 (Mildly Preposterous) to Level 5 (Preposterous). ASST. DEP. UND. SEC. has contacted the (liaison CUYAHOGA) to inform the University and State Government that plan has been canceled and that construction on site Acropolis can begin immediately for football purposes. LT. MEUSSE has been transferred to the Humidity Generation Project (Project MELROSE). LT. FEEST has reactivated his Robot Soldiers Program (Project SOUSAPHONE).

GEN VAN MANT has confirmed that CIA sources have told him that the Soviets have expended significant resources in an attempt to decipher activities surrounding site Acropolis. GEN. PATHOCK (former site Acropolis Committee Chairman) has been commended for exceptional work.

GEN. VAN MANT has been assigned to coordinate activities to monitor a suspected Soviet “Man-Cannon” project where the Soviets are using trained circus performers to fire soldiers from cannons over enemy machine gun nests “to devastating effect.”

NIXON WHITE HOUSE TAPES
October 3, 1972

President Richard Nixon

John Erlichman, Chief Domestic Council

H.R. Haldeman, W.H. Chief of Staff

NIXON: Now Red China. You don’t have to like it, but you have to respect it.

HALDEMAN: Did you see about the [inaudible]?

NIXON: The whole thing to me is a fog. Like that project Manitoba. BAck in the 1940s.

ERLICHMAN: What the hell was that?

NIXON: The damndest thing. They wanted the whole Atlantic seaboard covered in fog. [Inaudible] at the Navy told me about it. They had a whole site picked out with those things that spray… those goddamned…

HALDEMAN: Nozzles?

NIXON: Yes. They called it Acropolis. Acropolis…what the hell did they end up putting there

[inaudible crosstalk for 48 seconds]

HALDEMAN: Looks like it’s Maryland football

NIXON: Jesus Christ.