Northwestern failed to score or move the ball particularly effectively. The defense eventually succumbed and Abdullah shook free. And this all happened under the watchful eye of thousands of Husker fans staining the stands red, letting their "go big red" chants echo through Evanston like they did 14 years ago on the San Antonio Riverwalk and who are I am sure all wonderful people who happen to like a different football team than I do but irritatingly and predictably took over an alleged home game and one of them threw nacho cheese on me.
Literally a Northwestern home game
Being outnumbered at home is part of the Chicago's Big Ten Football Experience and has been since time immemorial, so it's no surprise area Nebraska fans and roaming Husker vagabonds took over the stadium. But we can do better, and Bring Your Champions, They're Our Meat is a Web Log devoted to ideas, innovation, synergy, thinking outside the box, achieving buy-in, shooting you an e-mail about that. Last week, I proposed some concrete ideas on twitter that I will lazily regurgitate here for filling the stands with purple:
1. Hire a nineteenth-century ward boss to fill the stands with Civil War veterans
2. Invent the machine from Multiplicty, fill the standswith thousands of Keatons (assuming the multiplicity machine only clones keatons)
3. Tupac holograms
4. Construct a fake Dyche stadium on campus, tell visiting fans to go there, conduct game in peace and quiet
5. Hire a snooty maitre'd, only admit people in purple attire, but allow guests to borrow a gigantic purple sport coat for the evening
Mr. Purdue Pete, I am going to have to ask you to remove your hard hat
One time, I had to attend a function at a London club that originated in the nineteenth
century that was all plush red carpets and muttonchop portraits and ossified
stodginess. I didn't have a jacket and was prevented from entering the establishment
by a tail-wearing doorman who looked like he had seen action at Sebastopol, but he
was gracious enough to lend me the house sportcoat which was designed for an
enormous plutocrat grown fat on the plunder of empire. I then spent the rest of the
evening absorbing elbows like a Karl Malone opponent as other guests were able to sense
that the guy in David Byrne's Stop Making Sense jacket was not important enough to
remain unjostled in a race to talk to an actual important person.
In addition, I suggest the athletic department strongly look into covering opposing fans with tarps, making Ryan Field into a speakeasy with a password like "Steve Schnur," or demolishing the stadium and replacing it with a field that has only one bleacher where I am the only spectator and can freely support the team and heckle Kirk Ferentz.
Northwestern was certainly an underdog in this game and demonstrated that its defense is not a fluke. There are five more games and three more wins to a bowl. Only Notre Dame is a powerhouse and anything is possible in the Big Ten, the conference for dreamers and mystics. But first the Wildcats need to make it through hell.
IOWA WEEK Y'ALL
Iowa is 5-2. Somehow. The Hawkeyes have not looked like world-beaters, although by Big Ten standards they are they are at the very least world insulters. To be honest, I can't tell you much about Iowa football this season. We have a finite number of minutes in our lives and no one outside of the Hawkeye state lies on his deathbed regretting that he did not watch more Iowa football. You might be disappointed that you came to a college football blog with virtually no pertinent information about football, but you probably should have closed the browser window when you read that sportcoat anecdote.
The Hawkeyes once again feature human battering ram Mark "Heisman" Weisman who will be long celebrated in Iowa City for his ability to play multiple years in the backfield with all of his ligaments. Jake Rudock seems entrenched at quarterback, despite Kirk Ferentz teasing a Colter/Siemian style quarterback rotation earlier in the month. One can imagine the staid Ferentz thinking about making that change with the same disdainful look he had on his face when he learned that the Big Ten legalized the forward pass in 2003.
The 2005 All-Big Ten football team featured many athletes who served against
the Kaiser
At this point, it seems that the Wildcats can hang with any team in the division. Both teams see this as a winnable game. And given that Iowa-Northwestern has been a surprisingly fervent rivalry in the last few years, I'm going to say throw out the record books. Throw them out and invent a hideous CatHawk trophy to hoard in victory and rule over ancient Egyptians if we ever meet them in some sort of Stargate scenario.
BYCTOM NBA PREVIEW
I am really excited for the return of professional basketball. In that spirit, please peruse the ultimate and essential guide to every possible important
scenario in professional basketball in
question and answer format.
How long will the new-look Cavs take to lead the
Eastern Conference?
There are two ways to look at this. One is to balance the advanced statistics and
likely strategies that the Cavaliers will employ since regaining the services
of the greatest basketball player on earth and his superstar teammates. This is for chumps who sit around watching basketball
and printing out reams of paper on dot matrix printers while wearing orange
basketball statistics visors. The best
way to determine anything involving the Cavaliers is to practice golfcartmancy,
a method of reading the future by analyzing the patterns and attitudes of the
people who patrol the James estate in golf carts, as popularized by the time
reporters set up a tent city and besieged his Cleveland-area mansion until we
as a species could determine where he would play basketball next season. In the wake of the media circus, James has
taken more measures to protect basketball secrets by hiring additional golf
cart men, decoy golf cart men who are actually people dressed like golf carts, and
submersible golf carts used to patrol his property’s water and check for
scuba-diving reporters should he decide to opt out of his contract at the end
of this season. After meticulously
observing the movements and patterns of his golf cart men, it appears that the
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS will make the EASTERN CONFERENCE PLAYOFFS.
Which Laker will die under mysterious circumstances during the
season?
At some point, the Los Angeles Lakers are going to take a
player out of the Staples
Center in a body
bag. Maybe it’ll be Carlos Boozer, whose
screams were never heard because he is pretty much always yelling and everyone
who heard him yelling HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY ARRRRGHGHGHGHGHGH
thought he was playing basketball. Maybe
it will be rookie Julius Randle, who vanishes after taking more than 10
shots. Maybe it will be some other guy on the Lakers whose untimely death is notable because there was no prior evidence that played basketball professionally. Maybe it will be Nick Young, whose Kobe-related obituary is already on file with the LA Times. During the investigation, Byron Scott will refuse to use fingerprints, DNA, or any other modern techniques, arguing that if it was good enough for Allan Pinkerton, it's good enough for the Los Angeles Lakers. The murders would never be solved because they were all Speckled Banded by a mamba.
Will Derrick Rose regain his form and lead the Bulls to the Finals?
Derrick Rose will undergo an experimental Monkey's Paw procedure where he will wish for super strong knees. His knees will indeed make him unstoppable but they will keep growing stronger and larger until he finds himself gradually turning into an anthropomorphic knee. Derrick Rose's knee will lead the Bulls to the second round of the playoffs.
This is my most plausible prediction
Will the Phoenix Suns maintain their surprising rise?
The Phoenix Suns will be unstoppable this season because they added Zoran Dragic. He and Goran will walk around off the court in matching shirtless vests as Double Dragic. Mark Cuban will add Abobo from overseas to no avail.
What power plays does Jason Kidd have up his sleeve this season?
The Phoenix Suns will be unstoppable this season because they added Zoran Dragic. He and Goran will walk around off the court in matching shirtless vests as Double Dragic. Mark Cuban will add Abobo from overseas to no avail.
What power plays does Jason Kidd have up his sleeve this season?
Kidd engineered a move to Milwaukee after attempting to seize control of player personnel from Billy King in Brooklyn. Kidd had a tumultuous first year as head coach just a year after the end of his playing career. He grew a comic book villain beard, oversaw a disappointing first half, orchestrated the first intentional beverage-related timeout, led the Nets to the second round of the playoffs, then feuded with his general manager, attempted to invade Silesia, invented the #trader hashtag, poisoned the Brooklyn Knight's jousting horse, and absconded to Milwaukee in the dead of night after vanishing from a Nets boardroom with a puff of smoke. Once there, he made noises about letting the seven-foot Giannis Antetokounmpo run the point. Jason Kidd may be capable of anything. This season, he plans to coach with a goblet of wine in hand for emergency timeout situations, keep a bugout bag in his office, and deploy decoy Bango the Bucks spread throughout the arena to gather intelligence.
One has to remark that men ought either to be well treated or crushed, because
they can avenge themselves of lighter injuries, of more serious ones they cannot;
therefore the injury that is to be done to a man ought to be of such a kind that one
does not stand in fear of revenge
Where is Drew Gooden playing?
Drew Gooden must play for every NBA team, and BYCTOM is a clearing house for Gooden movement. Sadly, the Washington Wizards have retained his services for another season, but we can only hope he makes it to at least one other team by the end of the season.
The NBA is only 33.3% Goodened. We can do better.
PIZZA CITY CALLS
Northwestern has two remaining home games, and both are winnable. The 'Cats face a struggling Michigan team hellbent on defying road fields with stakes and climax with the possible ultimate showdown with Beck Man. The possibly soon-to-be-erstwhile Illini coach may have helped salvage his job with a stunning win over West leader Minneosta. The Illinois victory has thrown the West into further chaos. Enjoy the last week of October because every football move must be evaluated not only in terms of bowl implications, but Hat consequences.
1 comment:
This blog is the only thing that Northwestern Football has going for it.
Well, that and current possession of The Hat.
Hat hat hat hat hat hat hat.
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