Friday, August 31, 2012

J' 'Cuse

Well, it's here.  This weekend the 'Cats travel to the Carrier Dome on their road to football glory that leads only to Pizza City.  My nerves are steeled, my jaw is set to a healthy non-conference clench, and my fists are ready to pump again after a dormant summer. 
I've brushed up on my fist pumping with my "Knuckle Down! with Pat 
Fitzgerald" instructional fist pumping DVD for high school caoches

Making anther bowl game will be a tough task.  Northwestern's non-conference schedule includes three BCS schools: Syracuse, Boston College, and James Franklin's resurgent Vanderbilt squad.  The 'Cats also face a tough campaign in the Big Ten LEGENDS division on top of having to refer to use the words "LEGENDS division" in polite company.  Though the schedule may make the path to that sixth win more difficult, it could mean that a bowl-bound Northwestern team could do the unthinkable and win.  Since I know this blog is widely read by or sent to high-level Northwestern administrators in digest form (football team may be good/bad?  Habsburg intrigue and also mustache), I am proclaiming that should the Wildcats make it to a bowl and win, I demand to see Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald tear his stuffed bowl drought monkey asunder in front of a bloodthirsty crowd at a men's basketball game while the fans sing a version of Go U Northwestern with lyrics altered to celebrate the removal of the proverbial monkey from the program's back in the most literal and unnecessarily violent manner (Go U Northwestern/Tear that plush toy's limbs/When it's naught but stuffing/We will hang it from the rims/U! Rah! Rah! etc.  It's a work in progress).


Northwestern has something in common with last year's team-- an opening day start from quarterback Kain Colter.  This year, Colter is prepared to steer the ship for a full season without marking time for the return of Chicago's Heisman Candidate.

Expectations for Persa were sky high after reading stories 
about his off-season bear-wrestling and steel-bending 
training regime

The offense is in good hands with the electrifying Colter and a group of talented wide receivers.  He and Venric Mark should give the 'Cats one of the fastest backfields in the Big Ten.  And BYCTOM headquarters is on full alert for a full season's worth of abominable Kain Colter-related pun headlines.  Although I remain ever-vigilant, I would be grateful if readers keep me informed of any Colter headline abnormalities via e-mail or twitter.  I've already spotted "Northwestern hopes Kain is Able."  Will we see more references to biblical sibling murders?  Awkward rhymes such as "The rain from Kain falls mainly on [Illini Defensive Coordinator] Tim Banks?"  Attempts to give him boxing nicknames such as "Sugar" Kain Colter?  What about a lede like "Citizen Kain lies alone amongst the ruins of his crumbling empire, plaintively calling for his beloved children's toy as Northwestern falls to Michigan State 21-6?"  I must catalog them all.


The sun does not shine on the Carrier Dome.  The last time the Wildcats played in that musty sarcophagus, they suffered a demoralizing loss at the dribbling hands of Former Duke Point Guard Greg Paulus.  I've done exhaustive minutes of research on the Orange and determined that they have zero former Duke point guards on their roster.  Sure it may have been annoying for announcers shoehorn basketball references into a football game, but maybe one day we'll have some kid from Maryland who reads the passing lanes like a jouster looks for an opening for his lance or he rolls through the tackles like a man in an Atlasphere because that would mean that my arduous campaign to make Atlasphere a collegiate and Olympic sport has succeeded.
Much like the Dream Team, I expect that Laser, Nitro, and Turbo will inspire a 
new generation of Peruvian, Bulgarian, or Pakistani Gladiators

On paper, Syracuse is not the most daunting opponent.  Paul Myerberg has the Orange ranked #83 going into the season after they collapsed into the Big East last season like a dying star.  On the other hand, Fitzgerald's teams have traditionally looked shaky in their first game, especially against BCS conference opponents.  Last year, they barely outlasted a terrible BC team and squeaked by a weak Vanderbilt squad the week before.  Syracuse fans expect a win, and veteran quarterback Nassib will test the Wildcats' inexperienced secondary.  A win at the dome would mean a great deal to this young Northwestern team.  I know I've been waiting for this one like the Count of Monte Cristo, counting the days, waiting for the perfect opportunity, and then crafting an intricate scheme for diabolical vengeance that involves sitting on my couch watching a football game that interests approximately no one. 

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