Northwestern Football Is Exhilarating, Terrifying, and Bowl-Eligible

Northwestern is vincible.  We all knew that the Wildcats would face trouble once they got into the Big Ten schedule, and they lost both games against difficult opponents.  At the same time, they took care of business on the road in Minnesota and became bowl-eligible for the fifth consecutive season.  Northwestern had only qualified for six bowl games in the entire history of the program before Fitz took over, although bowl requirements were much stricter in the 1950s and 60s; you didn't have the Winston Cigarettes T-Zone Bowl, or the Coppertone Asscheeck Bowl, or the Score a Touchdown/Give 'em Trouble/Lick 'em Like You'll/Lick That Stubble/Burma-Shave Bowl.


Unlike today's bowls named for ridiculous corporations, earlier bowls were 
named after solid staple crops and advertised to people with the exciting prospect 
of a gigantic naked infant lounging menacingly in the stadium.  Note in both 
programs, the stadiums are full of people who seem to be perfectly content 
with their football game being converted into a crib for a baby the size of the 
Chrysler building with no control over its own bladder and no sense of remorse

Northwestern has played more or less the same game for several weeks.  The 'Cats go into halftime with the lead, then the coaching staff unveils its Sword of Damocles packages on offense and defense as we watch the lead evaporate.  During the fourth quarter, the best word to describe Northwestern's playing style is "besieged."  It's tremendously exiting.

Someone who actually knows something about numbers will probably see in one 
second that this graph doesn't really show anything, but I would counter that a falling 
blue line and rising red line correlate directly with the number of household objects 
that I am destroying with my forehead as I watch Northwestern games because that is 
the proper way to watch football.  That's why I bring a briefcase full of scrap wood 
with me when I watch a game at a bar, so I can quietly excuse myself after a big play 
and smash it into smithereens with my forehead in a parking lot

COME BACK!

Northwestern has allowed comebacks in all but two of its games this season-- the South Dakota steamrollering, and the actual Northwestern comeback against Vanderbilt.  The Commodores were so confused by the ordeal that they have refused to play Northwestern in football, canceling future dates with a letter to the athletic department instead of the traditional method of football scheduling, which involves sending a courier with a wax-sealed parchment or, at the very least, a falcon.  Fitz faxed the Vanderbilt Athletic Department 145 pages of ASCII pictures of a fist that, when bound together, create an animated fist-pump flip book.

The Wildcats managed to hold on until the Penn State game, when the offense disappeared in the second half.  This gave the Penn State offense the opportunity to unleash Matt McGloin, the flame-headed hobgoblin of Northwestern football.  McGloin and human battering ram Mike Zordich found new life against an exhausted Northwestern defense in the second half, took over the game, and rallied the Nittany Lions to victory.

Last week, Northwestern was unable to hold the lead against Nebraska, as Taylor Martinez led the Cornhuskers to two unanswered touchdowns.  Martinez has had two of his best games doing whatever it is he does that resembles passing against the Northwestern defense; the Wildcat coaching staff will be training DBs before next year's game by firing footballs at them from Napoleonic War cannons.
 
Allumez la mèche et trouvez le trou dans la zone de couverture

The comeback also happened while Northwestern was wearing its fancy new Big Game Black Alternates, which marks another loss in dandy duds.  These new uniforms featured a stenciled Wildcat on the helmet instead of the traditional sculpted N, although by the end of the game, the logo seemed to be yowling in frustration as the Huskers marched towards the with the aid of the inconsiderate forces of inevitability.

Northwestern's running game remains impressive.  Venric Mark is an electric back who terrorizes opposing special teams coordinators, and the option game with Colter is dangerous near the goal line.  The passing game, however, is still developing.  Northwestern averages just over 172 yards per game, good for dead last in the conference.  That's less than Wisconsin, a team with a playbook that consists of two plays labeled "give the ball to Ron Dayne," with the words "Ron Dayne" scratched out and replaced by whoever is the current running back.
 
The Badgers are trying to find an Aaron Gibson equivalent for their Replacement 
Daynes to run behind, but NCAA regulations currently prohibit tying two tackles 
together and letting them share the same pair of pants

Kolter has drifted back into his role from last year, working as an option quarterback and slot receiver.  Siemian is sent in on obvious passing downs.  Fitz plans on slowly rotating running backs, receivers, and backup linemen into the quarterback spot; one day the entire Wildcat offense will come off the sideline all yelling "I'M QUARTERBACK," which will confuse the defense.

THROW OUT THE RECORD BOOKS, SORT OF

Northwestern has a burgeoning quasi-rivalry with the Hawkeyes: we don't like them, and they are vaguely indifferent.  The Hawkeyes suffered some tough losses in their non-conference schedule, but are in the mix for the LEGENDS DIVISION.  Like Northwestern, they've struggled in the passing game as they learn Greg Davis's system.  It is Davis's sorry fate in life to be universally despised by fans of whatever team he happens to coach for-- crowds gather to chase him from town like a Reverse Pied Piper.  Their offense has been boosted by unheralded walk-on Mark Weisman, who has managed to stagger out of the Hawkeyes' gruesome human rights disaster at running back to the backfield, like the football version of William Brydon at Jalalabad. 
 
Weisman reports to practice after avoiding a diseased piece of dining hall turkey,
an out-of-control cement mixer, a crate of marbles spilled precariously around 
the quad, a pack of wild dogs, and a crazed pre-med student desperate to collect 
as many knee ligaments as he can before the authorities find him

Both teams see this as a crucial and winnable game.  The game will be played at Ryan Field, and I expect a supportive crowd of 30,000 Nebraska fans who will be staying in Evanston as fans in residence after winning a grant from the Northwestern Department of Football Culture.  Like all Northwestern games, this will probably come down to the last minute because I picked the wrong football season to stop sniffing glue.

FUCK IT DUDE, LET'S GO BOWLING

This season was supposed to be a rebuilding year.  Instead, we've seen the emergence of exciting young players on defense, such as Chi Chi Ariguzo and NickVan Hoose, and Venric Mark is as dynamic a playmaker as the Wildcats have ever had.  Northwestern has qualified for a bowl game, and the Big Ten's new status as a national joke has kept them in the LEGENDS DIVISION title hunt, where a championship will allow them to take their place in the pantheon of LEGENDS with the Legends of the Fall, Hercules's Legendary Journeys, and the Legends of the Hidden Temple.  It is important to keep that in mind as the 'Cats dangle precariously from another fourth quarter cliff.   And Northwestern is in position for an eight or even a nine win season, in position to go to a marginally less crappy bowl, and in position to wrench The Hat off of Tim Beckman's head and parade it in victory down Sheridan Road.  Northwestern and Iowa may not have a fancy rivalry trophy, but they do have the opportunity to ruin each other's season, and that may be the sweetest trophy of them all.

Actually, it is not, it is still the hat, give us our damn hat back.

Northwestern Fans, Let Us Become Unreasonably Overconfident

Northwestern will not lose another football game ever again.  They will keep rolling through the competition all the way to Indianapolis, to Pasadena, to the very gates of the ancient capital Moscou. 

Keep going east, men, what could possibly go wrong?

The Wildcats are 5-0 and ranked #24 in the AP Poll with only one win standing between them and a wretched bowl game.  Of course, Northwestern fans are dreaming bigger with the dire state of the Big Ten.  What looked to be a rebuilding year could be a triumph for Pat Fitzgerald and his invincible legions of perfect footballmen.

Meanwhile, the Northwestern trustees have approved a quarter-billion dollar football facility upgrade that will ensure that the team gets all of the triangular weights, vibrating belt machines, and tug of war ropes that they need to keep their competitive edge against other programs.
The facilities should have everything a modern college football program needs to succeed at the 
highest level

RUSH AND ATTACK

Northwestern's offense took off against South Dakota, and exploded for a school-record 704 yards against Indiana.  Kain Colter, Venric Mark, and Mike Trumpy have formed a three-headed rushing monster that has become unstoppable against inept defenses that specialize in mystified flailing (chin up, Hoosiers.  We'll meet one day in the Big Ten Championship game through a combination of bowl bans, a flu that hits every city but Evanston and Bloomington, or a national obsession with Australian Rules football that leaves the two squads as the only rump club teams in the conference).

The 'Cats raced out to a 27-0 lead against Indiana until the third quarter struck and the team decided to momentarily terrify Northwestern fans.

The third quarter triggers a horrifying transformation for Northwestern's defense, 
much like how Lon Chaney transformed from the mild mannered Dr. Jeckyll to 
a guy who just put some Boston on the jukebox and c'mon it's Boston what 
are you you going to do, just sit there huddled in the corner let's go get out 
there, c'mon, I love this one, let's go, alright fine, but the next four plays are 
all going to be Speedwagon

Colter rushed for 161 yards, grabbed another 131 yards receiving, scored four touchdowns, and returned to the multifaceted skill position role he played with Dan Persa last year.  Meanwhile, Siemian connected for more than 300 yards in the air, and Venric Mark continued to do Venric Mark things.  The ability to play Colter and Siemian at the same time should open up some interesting trick plays, including one where Colter disguises himself as an official and fakes an illegal shift flag on himself before running amongst confused defenders for an easy score.

A VALLEY

Things get tougher for Northwestern as they have to do the unthinkable and leave the welcoming confines of Ryan Field for the first time in a month.  Penn State is certainly a program in disarray as the dust from the criminal investigation and NCAA sanctions settles and the wind sweeps away the makeshift Joe Paterno Ozymandii from the tailgate parking lots.  The Nittany Lions are improving after a not entirely shocking slow start against Ohio and Virginia.  They've handily beaten Navy and Temple, and they clobbered an Illinois team that looks bad enough to surrender The Hat to the rightful collective heads of the Northwestern faithful.  Though Northwestern is undefeated and ranked, they will go into Happy Valley as underdogs.

Penn State has been a perpetual obstacle for Northwestern who have beaten the Lions in only three of fifteen tries.  The last Northwestern win came in 2004 and half of 2010.

Dan Persa runs for a touchdown during his glorious return to 
Pennsylvania, where he led the 'Cats to a 21-0 first half lead in 
his home state and then I turned off the game and just assume 
everything went swimmingly from there

Penn State quarterback Matt McGloin has successfully passed for more than 400 yards, six touchdowns, and no interceptions in his two games against Northwestern.  Running back and Dickensian villain Silas Redd, who effortlessly ran through the Wildcat defense last year, has transferred to USC, though he still returns to State College to berate the indigent workers at his iron foundries and get his tophats and pince-nez fitted.

Workers asking for a Christmas goose can expect threats of dismissal, stiff arms, 
and chop blocks

The Northwestern offense will face its stiffest test yet.  Penn State's defense  is currently fourteenth in the country in points allowed (a little over 13) and has given up just 127.8 rushing yards per game (Northwestern is ranked 14th in rushing yards allowed with a stingy 90), and I imagine that Colter and Mark will have a tougher time getting to the edge.  On defense, Northwestern will have to contain Allen Robinson, who already has 32 catches for 439 yards and 5 TDs.  I expect Bill O'Brien to test the Wildcat passing defense early with long passes, play-action, and a diabolical series of riddles delivered to the Northwestern sideline in wax-sealed parchments that will distract the DBs by making them search the Penn State bench for the secret to their defense while being unaware, for example, that the signals are stored on backup quarterback Steve Bench.

THANK GOODNESS THE BASEBALL SEASON IS OVER

The success of Northwestern has fortunately overshadowed a dark baseball time for Chicago.  The White Sox surprised everyone by challenging Detroit for the AL Central title, but sputtered in their final few weeks.  The Cubs, on the other hand, were out of it on April 2.  They barnstormed to 101 losses as they train-hopped from city to city bringing opposing fans joy with their ineptitude on the mound, in the field, and in the batters' box.  The pitching struggles could be partially explained by the inexperienced bullpen and loss of three top starting pitchers to trades and injury; no term better explains the Cubs in the second half than "staff ace Jeff Samardzija."  They also finished close to the bottom in runs scored and tied the Astros for dead last in OPB with a paltry .302.  The only chance Cubs fans will have to see the ivy turn brown on TV for the next several years will involve a deranged White Sox fan poisoning it and then calling in a radio show before signing off with "Let's go, go-go damn Sox."

The Cubs' futility was expected this season as Epstein and Hoyer are committing to a scorched-earth rebuilding program.  They seem to have found a first baseman in Anthony Rizzo.  Starlin Castro may inspire heated debates in mustard-soaked Cub fan antechambers, but he has become an elite league leader in making outs.  Other prospects may take awhile to arrive.  Neither Josh Vitters nor Brett Jackson seemed ready in their limited debuts; Jackson struck out in nearly 40% of his at-bats and was last seen with a shopping bag full of Jobu dolls.

The 2012 campaign has taken a toll on Theo Epstein, who plans to spend the 
winter meetings ranting about those damn trains and gumming things


I expect the Cubs to make the playoffs when Bud Selig or any Future Bud Selig equivalents decide to do the right thing and allow all teams to make the playoffs, although the first round will be one game where teams rotate pitching, batting, and fielding and are eliminated on an inning-by-inning basis and then they have to flee from robotic tigers or a professional scythe-wielding bounty hunter named The Rt. Hon. Justice of the Scythe in order to escape because we all know that future sports immediately turn into horrifying post-apocalyptic death sports with elaborate betting systems for some reason.

Until then, we can be nothing but patient as the Cubs stave off triple digit losing seasons, failed prospects, nincompoopical base running, and all of the other hallmarks of hopeless baseball.  In other words, it's basically reverting to pretty much every year of the Cubs, so you might as well stock up on overpriced bleacher tickets and t-shirts about drinking beer and try to inadvertently injure someone in a drunken high-five gone awry as Cubs fans have for generations. 

THE UNDEFEATABLISTS

Northwestern has gotten to 5-0 with a string of narrow and occasionally harrowing victories over opponents who do not exactly bring to mind Notre Dame's Four Horsemen.  The Penn State came may well be a sobering preview of a difficult end of the season.  While no Big Ten team has looked like world beaters, it also means that they will be unlikely to take the Wildcats lightly as they will also be scrapping for every conference win they can get in order to get a chance to be publicly humiliated in the Rose Bowl.  A win at Penn State, however, does a lot to show that Northwestern's record is not a scheduling fluke.  I expect the Wildcats to go up 65-0 in the first half, then allow seven consecutive Penn State touchdowns before tackling Robinson three inches from the goal line as time expires and then Pat Fitzgerald explodes on the field leaving a pile of oakleys, crew cuts, and headphones.

The Northwestern Wildcats are an Unstoppable Juggernaut of Harrowing Victory

I don't want to alarm anyone here, but Northwestern is 3-0 and the only school in the country to defeat three opponents from BCS conferences.  And the only cost was years of our lives.  The quick start, bolstered by a stout run defense and impressive running game, has Northwestern in great position for another berth in a prestigious bowl that will be located somewhere in Texas.  Even if the Wildcats fail to cash in another three wins or make it to a bowl outside of Texas, I'm guessing a consortium of Texas businessmen will swoop up and somehow force the team back into the Lonestar State and then call each other bastards and sons of bitches and erect tiny oil derricks behind them  like so many petroleum Hansels.

Grainy surveillance photos reveal powerful Texans behind a sinister plot to move Northwestern to
a reconstructed Southwest Conference by 2015

The Wildcats survived another close call against Boston College for their third win as they treated both endzones as like the Wrigley Field Forbidden Endzone and kept a respectful distance of several yards.  Much like that Illinois game, Mike Trumpy was the only Northwestern offensive player to laugh in the face of danger and break the goal line.  Trumpy, who had an excellent comeback game with 99 yards on the ground, trained in the offseason by swapping footballs with sandbags of equivalent weight, dodging blowdarts, and laughing at a perforated Alfred Molina.

 HANGING ON FOR VICTORY

The 'Cats ended up with nearly 300 rushing yards and 267 more in the air from a variety of quarterbacks, but only managed 22 points.  The Eagles took advantage of some NU turnovers and timely passes from quarterback Chase Rettig to keep it close.  Also, the BC coach has a pretty spectacular mustache and I am sure that inspired his team.  With only minutes to go, the 'Cats held onto a two point lead, but it proved to be enough as the defense gave another inspiring performance.  They held the Eagles to only 25 rushing yards, which has to be some sort of school record.  I bet even Chicago Dental College managed more than 25 rushing yards, although to be fair the forward pass had not yet been invented and at that point they were probably firing fullbacks out of cannons at the line of scrimmage until they got a first down or the players decided that they had put on a manly enough display of being shot out of things and decided to repair to their smoking lounges to savor a brandy and reattach their limbs.

Jeff Budzien was the most impressive Wildcat.  Football kickers are like washing machine repairmen or exterminators in that you do not want to see them because your team can't score touchdowns or your house is flooded and/or large throngs of aggressive millipedes on a civilizing mission. When they do show up, though, you would like them to be thorough and professional, and Budzien got the job done with five field goals on Saturday. And I got the job done with a hokey sportswriter-grade simile right there, here's an unnecessary reference to teeth.

You don't want to find yourself in a situation where you would need to call the 
A-Team because that invariably means you've gotten yourself into trouble with 
a group of a group of vengeful yokels, but if you must fend off a swarm of 
marauding hillbillies by assembling the contents of a barn into a machine 
capable of firing produce at speeds violent enough to throw a man from a tractor 
without causing him severe injury, you're probably glad you selected this 
particular group of soldiers of fortune in the Los Angeles underground

The scoring frustrations masked an impressive outing from the Wildcats.  Venric Mark has emerged as the most exciting diminutive Northwestern tailback since Tyrell Sutton.  Chi Chi Ariguzo has quickly become a game-changing defensive presence.  But there is still plenty to work on.  The front seven, which have looked dominant against the run, still have trouble pressuring the quarterback, and the 'Cats remain vulnerable to long passes.  Also the Northwestern players need to practice proper chest-bumping form.  Frankly, it's shocking to see an errant chest-bump from a Pat Fitzgerald-coached team.

SOUTH DAKOTA

Northwestern will host South Dakota on Saturday.  The Coyotes are an FCS squad, and Wildcat fans expect victory.  Veteran 'Cat watchers, however, know not to assume anything with this squad.  I would not be surprised for Northwestern to be up by one with three minutes remaining after allowing a 99 yard touchdown bomb and then all of a sudden the arena goes dark and an Orson Welles impersonator starts warning about an alien invasion while the Wildcat noise goes off in the background and the scoreboard keeps flashing pictures of Air Willie devouring helpless Wildcat Alley patrons and all of the seats turn into vibrating Mant seats then everyone has a good-natured laugh over the scare and Northwestern scores eight unanswered touchdowns and Lake Michigan turns into a sweet fizzy substance resembling lemonade.

Northwestern fans react to another thrilling Wildcat Victory

ROTTEN BOROUGHS

British elections before the 1832 Reform Bill had managed to streamline campaigning to avoid long, costly elections in many areas.  That is because several local constituencies, the so-called "rotten boroughs" only had a handful of voters, so the key campaign strategy usually involved buying the seats directly from the landholder at reasonable wholesale prices.  That system ran smoothly for centuries, especially in the days when British men resembled nothing less than an interchangeable assembly of collar ruffles and mustaches.  Occasionally, there were hiccups in the system.  The two seats in the borough of Gatton were controlled by Sir Mark Wood who canvassed the electorate consisting largely of himself and returned himself to Parliament along with his brother-in-law (James Dashwood.  Wood and Dashwood sounds like a horrible synth pop duo that scored a top 50 hit in 1984 and then died attempting to escape a small hut made entirely from cocaine).  They successfully fended off a challenge for a seat in 1803 by disallowing their rivals only vote.

Another by-election may have caused Wood some trouble.  According to an unreliable source, Wood attempted to elect his son to the second seat.  The only eligible voters were Wood, Wood's son, and their butler, Jennings.  I'll let Henry Sooks Smith set the scene:

The son was away and Jennings and his master quarrelled upon which Jennings refused to second the son and proposed himself. To get a seconder for the son, Sir Mark had to second Jennings, and it was ultimately arranged, and the vote of Sir Mark alone given. This was the only contest within memory.

I'm really disappointed that there was not a fourth voter (perhaps a foot-man or another wastrel son lying around) to see a full campaign pitting man against butler.  I'm assuming that Wood, the clever political operator, would have spent a small sum on pamphlets attacking Jennings's character, knowledge, and above all butling skills. 

Jennings says he polished the silver tea service before rushing 
off to fetch me some gout leeches.  But upon inspection, it only 
seemed like he put on one or one and a half coats.  Is this the
 man you want representing the five people in this household 
in the Parliament of the United Kingdom and also chasing 
away that dreadful vicar when he pops by?  Is this a man you 
want voting on the supply bill and also locating my hunting 
chaps?  Jennings.  Wrong for Britain.  Wrong for this house.  
I also think he has been in the sherry again.


OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES

Northwestern's out of conference success against BCS conference teams has earned some attention, and the Wildcats have pushed to the fringes of the AP Poll.  With another victory on Saturday, they will be in a strong position to begin Big Ten play against Indiana.  Beating South Dakota with limited moments of terror would be a feather in the cap for the program.  Northwestern fans know that victory is never assured.  As we have seen so far in the season, there are no rotten boroughs in college football and no victories that can be guaranteed by making a deal with a quarrelsome butler.  This young team is eager to show improvement against the pass and prove it can maintain a lead.  With the rest of the Big Ten unexpectedly reeling from tough out of conference losses, this could be a year to make some noise in the LEGENDS conference, especially if that noise is to change the conference title to something less embarrassing.

One Million Years BC

It has been two weeks and no one has beaten the Wildcats at football.  Not only did they defeat the favored Commodores in home opener, they also stood tall while the rest of the Big Ten generally flailed around like a drunken Dostoyevsky protagonist ruining a high-society party.  Football!

Understanding the Big Ten's rough weekend really can't be 
completed without a guide to what disappointed coaches look 
like when compared to specific Zaporozhian Cossacks.

Venric Mark had another excellent game to solidify himself as the feature tailback, but it was Northwestern's much-maligned defense that stole the show.  The same squad that looked discombobulated against Syracuse had a magnificent day holding Vanderbilt to 13 points and kept the 'Cats in the game as the offense continued to falter.  Chi Chi Ariguzo had another excellent day and netted himself Big Ten Defensive player of the Week honors.  Jeff Budzien nailed all three of his field goal attempts.  SEC teams were put on notice about coming to Ryan Field, especially if they are academically-minded SEC schools with a reputation for football futility only surpassed by Northwestern itself that have now turned themselves around and are also scrapping around for crappy bowl bids.

QUARTERBACKSMANSHIP

For the second week in a row, Trevor Siemian engineered the key drive with Kain Colter on the bench.  The quarterback situation, however, remains somewhat murky, with Fitzgerald describing his changes like he is going to the bullpen in a bizarre version of baseball where you can keep bringing guys back in again which you can't do in real baseball because of Tony LaRussa.

"Warm up all of the pitchers," LaRussa bellowed into the phone before sending 
a utility outfielder to pitch, a relief pitcher out to short, and calling for a 
left-handed mascot

Usually, a quarterback backlog bodes ill for football teams.  By now there should be chat of a quarterback controversy, or, as I am disappointed to have not seen in a headline yet, a "Quarterback KAIN-TREVORsy."  Instead, Fitz seems to be content to use both quarterbacks.

"We’re going to do what we’re going to do, and that means we’re going to play multiple quarterbacks, and we’re all right with it,” Fitzgerald said in this Chicago Sun-Times story.

Fitzgerald then added that he is experimenting with confusing the opposition further by having several Pat Fitzgerald lookalikes roaming around the stadium so that the opposing bench has no idea which is the real Fitz like the time that Michael Jackson did that at the Superbowl and then the real one sprang up out of a trap door and stared motionless at the crowd for a solid minute while wearing his nineteenth century military dictator regalia.  Then he yelled "Go 'Cats," cackled, thew a smoke grenade, and vanished through a secret panel in the floor.

BOSTON COLLEGE

Boston College comes to town after last year's wild opener.  The Eagles are coming off a 34-3 victory over FCS Maine and their athletic webpage assures me that someone named Spiffy Evans played a key role.  BC Quarterback Chase Rettig should continue to test the young Wildcat secondary.  I'm terrified of Ifeanyi Momah, who torched Northwestern for a career-high 157 receiving yards last year, even if he no longer is on the Eagles (thanks to JHodges in the comments for the correction). The prospect of Spiffy Evans is also extremely dangerous because he has a spectacular nickname and they usually don't give those out to guys who just kind of hang out on the bench.  Otherwise, I'd assume he'd have a less awesome nickname like "Benchy" Evans or "Rider Pine" or "The Bench-Man of Alcatraz" which admittedly would not make sense unless he played in San Francisco but I'm assuming someone with the nickname "Bench-Man" would not have a ton of choices about where he pursued his college football career so that is moot.

The heartening win over Vanderbilt has raised confidence in Northwestern fans who are expecting a win this week and a possible 4-0 start to the season.  Boston College has lost the services of mythical creature Luke Kuechely, also known as "The Sack-Man of Alcatraz,"  and are projected to have a difficult season in the ACC.

Nevertheless, veteran Wildcat fans know not to expect victory until the whistle has been blown.  The Eagles present Northwestern with third consecutive challenger from a BCS conference, and they are eager to avenge last year's loss.  Northwestern is a young team that has shown a penchant for collapse and comeback as per school tradition, and the BC game will do a lot to tell us what we can expect from them this season.

PHANTOM ISLANDS

One persistent problem facing early modern navigators involved the search for islands that did not exist.  As map-makers or explorers fanned across the globe, they occasionally misidentified landmasses, and these nonexistent lands occasionally wound up on maps.  One of the most famous fake islands was Frisland, a north Atlantic island that appeared on the sixteenth century Zeno maps.

Frisland was apparently a reference to Iceland  as "Freezeland," which would be 
an excellent base of operations for Mr. Freeze.  Man, it is hard to explain to 
young people that our Batman movies used to be mainly about rubber nipples 
and puns about how cold it is

Frisland came from a map chronicling an alleged voyage by Antonio and Niccoló Zeno in the late fourteenth century.  The account included a voyage of several years around the North Atlantic accompanied by Prince Zichmni, who led a number brave attacks against several non-existent islands. Their descendant (also named Niccoló Zeno) wrote a book and drew a map in 1558 based on an account of the earlier brothers' voyage that claimed had been destroyed.  Either the earlier brothers or the later Niccoló had made up or misconstrued the voyage.  The Zeno maps remained in circulation for more than 100 years, giving an interesting example of the production and dissemination of contemporary knowledge and although I would hope that the obesession with perpetuating the myth of Frisland is a time-honored Zeno family tradition and there is a lone Zeno descendant somewhere attempting to scrape up a team of Frislanders to qualify for the World Cup.
 
A map of Frisland from 1623 with detailed place names.  Note the southern 
island of Monaco, no doubt a glamorous hotspot of nonexistent gambling, 
where patrons could bet on dragon-baiting, perpetual motion, and watch an 
early modern James Bond lose his fancy ruffles to a number of 
cat-toting megalomaniacs who threatened governments with gigantic muskets 
  
Pepys Island near the Falklands also did not exist, but was named after the British politician Samuel Pepys.  Pepys played a key role in the seventeenth century modernization of the Royal Navy and also kept a detailed diary that has become a crucial source for people interested in seventeenth century British politics and what Samuel Pepys enjoyed eating.  Someone has put his diary online, and a brief glance through has let me know under no uncertain terms that Samuel Pepys could absolutely devour a turkey if he wanted to whether roasted or in warm or cold pie forms.  The first three months of the diary carefully detail his turkey consumption where he described the birds as alternately brave, gifts from Mr. Shepley, or imported from Denmark.  The rest of the diary is full of well-nigh indecipherable nonsense such as:

I drink my morning at Harper's with Mr. Sheply and a seaman, and so to my office, where Captain Holland came to see me, and appointed a meeting in the afternoon. Then wrote letters to Hinchinbroke and sealed them at Will's, and after that went home, and thence to the Half Moon, where I found the Captain and Mr. Billingsly and Newman, a barber, where we were very merry, and had the young man that plays so well on the Welsh harp.

Samuel Pepys was an important figure in seventeenth century England, but 
nowhere but BYCTOM will let you know that he ate turkey no less than five 
times in 1660 and wrote about it; also he drank with a guy he referred to as 
"Mons. L'Impertinent"

There are a number of unidentified islands (including the fantastic "Isle of Demons") that came to be identified during a meeting of exploration, imagination, and (in some cases) stronger than average doses of grog.  At some point, all had been stomped out under the brutal boot of accurate cartography which sadly insisted here be accurate depictions of landmasses.

STARTING STRONG

A victory against Boston College augers well for the Wildcats and puts them in a strong position for a bowl game.  There are no givens in college football, especially with the fluctuating performance of the 'Cats so far, but a defensive effort like the one we saw against Vanderbilt should propel them to victory.  A favorable early schedule may allow Northwestern to start Big Ten play undefeated, but we must be cautious.  A 3-0 Wildcat team may be as ephemeral as a non-existent island named after an English turkey-devourer with a penchant for cannonballs and lute practice.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

The post's title is the maniacal cackling we let out after another close shave from the Wildcats in their wild opener against Syracuse.  A few more like that, I fear, will cause a fan to finally crack; after watching Northwestern squander a 35 point then come back to win a quadruple overtime game on a play where the ball bounces off of no less than four defenders before nestling in the arms of a Wildcat receiver in the endzone, he or she will don a purple bodysuit and terrorize the neighborhood by knocking balls, kites, and birds out of the air, acting as a demented vigilante defensive back.  Football is back and I could not be more excited.

Northwestern's traditionally crack offenses and generous defenses have made for thrilling come from behind wins and shattering collapses, sometimes in the same quarter.  The "Cardiac 'Cats" image may be just the thing the school needs to gain fans.  Instead of attempting to appeal to Chicago (which does nothing but bring the wrath of Martez Wilson upon us), why not embrace the reputation as the football team most likely to cause heart conditions?  Ads can depict a guy in a purple shirt yawning as he bungee jumps, base jumps, hang glides, lion tames, and participates in various late 90s Mountain Dew commercials until he finally keels over while watching the Wildcats hold a six point lead with less than five minutes remaining. 

Later billboards will show Fitz intensely loading fans into cannons, scaling the Petronas towers, and 
hunting the ultimate prey: man

Fans certainly have cause for alarm.  Last year's vulnerabilities against the pass look like they've returned.  Trevor Siemian replaced Kain Colter, as the sideline reporter conjured tales of quarterback intrigue (Colter revealed this week that he sustained injuries and asked for Siemian to step in a gentlemanly display).  The Carrier Dome remains an airless death trap filled with misery, despair, and the pervasive stench of armpits.  Yet, the 'Cats remain undefeated as they head to their home opener against their SEC equivalent.

VANDERBILT II

This may shock you, but the last time Northwestern played Vanderbilt, they withstood a harrowing near comeback to hold onto victory.  At that point, the Commodores' head coach had retired just before the beginning of the season, and they sputtered to a 2-10 record.  Last year, new head coach James Franklin led Vandy to the Liberty Bowl.  They may be Northwestern's toughest non-conference opponent.

Franklin prefers the sideline karate chop to the fist pump, making him and 
Fitzgerald ideological enemies

Northwestern has a tall task ahead of them after last week's adventure.  But let's not forget that they looked dominant for much of the first half.  Venric Mark had a spectacular game returning punts, running, and shaking loose for a touchdown reception.  Chi Chi Ariguzo changed the game on defense.  The Wildcats refused to give in after a demoralizing collapse. Northwestern needs a big home win.  Northwestern and Vanderbilt have a kinship as small schools in power conferences that have traditionally been dragged around the football field like a dead bull in the Plaza Del Toros.  There is one key difference.  Northwestern was far better at sucking at football than Vanderbilt.  In fact, in its heyday, there was no school in the country better at losing football games than Northwestern.  Now that both Vandy and NU are scrapping for fringe bowl appearances, it is time to get unnecessarily riled up about beating them and giving them something to think about should we ever meet again in Pizza City.   

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST NFL PREVIEW

Professional football is here, and expectations for the Bears could not possibly be higher.  Brandon Marshall gives Cutler his best receiver alongside rookie Alshon Jeffery.  The aging defense hopes to eke out another creaky season, assuming Urlacher makes it to the end of the year without his knees eroding into stumps and forcing him to haul himself around on a plank of wood like the "hand me down a whiskey" guy from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.  A healthy Matt Forte is one of the best backs in the NFL.  And they tell us that the offensive line should be somewhat better for some reason.

Bears fans are expecting a playoff berth and dreaming of a Superbowl.  They face a difficult path.  The NFC North is one of the toughest divisions in football.  Their three best players are coming off injuries.  Brandon Marshall is on the team.  The NFL has been turned over to replacement referees who will official like so many counterfeit Enrico Palazzos.  Everyone is waiting to exult in Jay Cutler failures because of an instantaneous and visceral reaction to his face. 
 
The only way for Cutler to catch on with the fanbase is to market himself as 
"The Sultan of Surl," a fearless circus man who performs acts of derring-do 
such as high-wire, wing walking, and standing behind J'Marcus Webb on a 
third and long situation.  Of course, he cannot do this without a mustache

The Bears will also be going into the season with additional Wildcats.  They traded for cornerback Sherrick McMannis, who will join Bears stalwarts Nick Roach and Corry Wootton.  They still remain outnumbered by Commodores-- Cutler, D.J. Moore, Earl Bennett, and Chris Williams all hail from Vanderbilt.  I would be shocked if the Bears ever had this many combined alumns from Northwestern and an opponent on the roster at the same time, a vital statistic of mainstream interest that I expect to hear about on both Northwestern and Bears telecasts.

THROWN OBJECTS

There has been a lot of talk of stunts, acts, and daredevilmanship this week as Northwestern football promises another season seat-gripping intensity.  Naturally, I've been boning up on my knowledge of what Wikipedia refers to as the "impalement arts," the practice of hurling pointy things at another person for the delight and amusement of spectators.  These acts include the "Wheel of Death," "The Devil's Door," "The Double Ladder of Death," and "Bending Over on the Orient Express to Tie Your Shoe and Then You Look Up and There Is a Knife Wobbling Where Your Head Was Which Means You've Been Drawn Into a Web of International Intrigue Except This is On Purpose."  Nonetheless, I owe thanks to the heroic anonymous author(s) of this Wikipedia article for including the following sentences:

"There is a trick behind this stunt and budding impalement artists are warned not to attempt it unless coached by an experienced professional."

"For example, organising bodies for competitive archery prohibit activity that involves deliberate shooting in the general direction of a human being."

Most contemporary knife throwers are rank amateurs compared to Lon Chaney's character in The Unknown because they have arms.  In The Unknown, a 1927 Tod Browning silent film, Chaney plays an armless circus performers who delights the crowd by shooting firearms and throwing knives at Joan Crawford with his feet.  Chaney's dark secret is that he actually has arms, but prefers to hide them presumably because the prehensile foot act is more lucrative and throwing knives with your feet while wasting perfectly good hands seems unsporting to discerning 1920s circus audiences.  He is determined to protect his secret at all costs, and anyone who sees his arms ultimately dies by them.  Having hidden arms must be a tremendous tactical advantage and I am surprised that more professional boxers have not considered it.  Here is a clip that not only shows Chaney's act but also shows the comeuppance of an impertinent mustachioed strongman.


HOME OPENER

Northwestern hopes to keep up its winning ways against an equally hungry Vanderbilt squad at home.  As someone unlikely to take up skydiving or jousting or attempting to get the jump on Lon Chaney anytime soon, I'll gladly let the thrill of watching the football team attempt to score more points than the other team substitute.  There's nothing else to do but strap ourselves in and yell about football in the privacy of our own homes or football stadiums.  Five more wins and all roads lead to the Pizza City.

J' 'Cuse

Well, it's here.  This weekend the 'Cats travel to the Carrier Dome on their road to football glory that leads only to Pizza City.  My nerves are steeled, my jaw is set to a healthy non-conference clench, and my fists are ready to pump again after a dormant summer. 
 
I've brushed up on my fist pumping with my "Knuckle Down! with Pat 
Fitzgerald" instructional fist pumping DVD for high school caoches

Making anther bowl game will be a tough task.  Northwestern's non-conference schedule includes three BCS schools: Syracuse, Boston College, and James Franklin's resurgent Vanderbilt squad.  The 'Cats also face a tough campaign in the Big Ten LEGENDS division on top of having to refer to use the words "LEGENDS division" in polite company.  Though the schedule may make the path to that sixth win more difficult, it could mean that a bowl-bound Northwestern team could do the unthinkable and win.  Since I know this blog is widely read by or sent to high-level Northwestern administrators in digest form (football team may be good/bad?  Habsburg intrigue and also mustache), I am proclaiming that should the Wildcats make it to a bowl and win, I demand to see Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald tear his stuffed bowl drought monkey asunder in front of a bloodthirsty crowd at a men's basketball game while the fans sing a version of Go U Northwestern with lyrics altered to celebrate the removal of the proverbial monkey from the program's back in the most literal and unnecessarily violent manner (Go U Northwestern/Tear that plush toy's limbs/When it's naught but stuffing/We will hang it from the rims/U! Rah! Rah! etc.  It's a work in progress).

THE TEAM

Northwestern has something in common with last year's team-- an opening day start from quarterback Kain Colter.  This year, Colter is prepared to steer the ship for a full season without marking time for the return of Chicago's Heisman Candidate.

Expectations for Persa were sky high after reading stories 
about his off-season bear-wrestling and steel-bending 
training regime


The offense is in good hands with the electrifying Colter and a group of talented wide receivers.  He and Venric Mark should give the 'Cats one of the fastest backfields in the Big Ten.  And BYCTOM headquarters is on full alert for a full season's worth of abominable Kain Colter-related pun headlines.  Although I remain ever-vigilant, I would be grateful if readers keep me informed of any Colter headline abnormalities via e-mail or twitter.  I've already spotted "Northwestern hopes Kain is Able."  Will we see more references to biblical sibling murders?  Awkward rhymes such as "The rain from Kain falls mainly on [Illini Defensive Coordinator] Tim Banks?"  Attempts to give him boxing nicknames such as "Sugar" Kain Colter?  What about a lede like "Citizen Kain lies alone amongst the ruins of his crumbling empire, plaintively calling for his beloved children's toy as Northwestern falls to Michigan State 21-6?"  I must catalog them all.

THE 'CUSE

The sun does not shine on the Carrier Dome.  The last time the Wildcats played in that musty sarcophagus, they suffered a demoralizing loss at the dribbling hands of Former Duke Point Guard Greg Paulus.  I've done exhaustive minutes of research on the Orange and determined that they have zero former Duke point guards on their roster.  Sure it may have been annoying for announcers shoehorn basketball references into a football game, but maybe one day we'll have some kid from Maryland who reads the passing lanes like a jouster looks for an opening for his lance or he rolls through the tackles like a man in an Atlasphere because that would mean that my arduous campaign to make Atlasphere a collegiate and Olympic sport has succeeded.
 
Much like the Dream Team, I expect that Laser, Nitro, and Turbo will inspire a 
new generation of Peruvian, Bulgarian, or Pakistani Gladiators

On paper, Syracuse is not the most daunting opponent.  Paul Myerberg has the Orange ranked #83 going into the season after they collapsed into the Big East last season like a dying star.  On the other hand, Fitzgerald's teams have traditionally looked shaky in their first game, especially against BCS conference opponents.  Last year, they barely outlasted a terrible BC team and squeaked by a weak Vanderbilt squad the week before.  Syracuse fans expect a win, and veteran quarterback Nassib will test the Wildcats' inexperienced secondary.  A win at the dome would mean a great deal to this young Northwestern team.  I know I've been waiting for this one like the Count of Monte Cristo, counting the days, waiting for the perfect opportunity, and then crafting an intricate scheme for diabolical vengeance that involves sitting on my couch watching a football game that interests approximately no one. 

Hi, do you remember me? I'm the kid who had a report due on space.

It is early August and it is scant weeks before the Northwestern football team gathers to practice smashing into each other before attempting to smash into other teams.  The existence of professional baseball mocks Cubs fans and the byzantine NBA salary cap has led to tales of intrigue and double-cross (I enjoyed when the Knicks front office went underground in an attempt to prevent the Houston Rockets from offering Jeremy Lin untold millions of dollars).  Britain is overrun by thousands of muscle-bound athletes who have spent the last four years running, jumping, swimming, and hammer throwing in relative obscurity although I think the world's best Hammer Thrower should appear nightly on television worldwide as the Hammer King to give us advice on how to better solve our problems through the application of a well-thrown hammer.

A hypothetical mock-up of Olympic hammer throw hopeful Ivan Tsikhan winning 
gold, becoming Hammer King, and proclaiming a weekend filled with 
hammer-based precipitation

As we gird ourselves for the beginning of football season, why not check out another excellent preview at Pre-Snap Read?  Paul Myerberg has the 'Cats at #59, excited about the possibilities of the Kain Colter offense, but concerned about replacing stalwarts on the offensive line and defense.

CUBS TRADE DEADLINE UPDATE

There is nothing more exciting than rooting for a hopelessly wretched team during the trade deadline as you hope for your squad to heartlessly unload any vaguely competent older player for guys you've never heard of.  The Cubs managed to offload Paul Maholm, Reed Johnson, Reed Johnson's disgusting conical goat beard, Geovanny Soto, and Ryan Dempster in two fell swoops for a haul of low-level prospects.  Maholm and Johnson are off to an Atlanta team in the thick of a division race.  Dempster is going to Texas to mentor Derek Holland on doing a bunch of crappy impressions that delight that philistine Joe Buck. He'll be joined by Soto.  That did not mean the trade deadline lacked intrigue.  Last week, Dempster apparently vetoed a trade to Atlanta, Soriano reportedly used his 10/5 rights to block a trade to San Francisco, and Luis Valbuena escaped a strategic marriage to the battle-axe Duchess of Cleves that ensured suzerainty with rich territories in the Low Countries.

The new Cubs management team was foiled again by the Bernhard The Bellicose, the scheming 
Count of Lippe whose machinations have decreased the Cubs' influence in the Imperial Diet

The Cubs can still move players during the exciting August waiver period, where roster moves are shrouded in secrecy and teams can strategically block each other from acquiring players.  Teams may target the slugging Alfonso Soriano or the enigmatic Carlos Marmol, a relief pitcher whose specialty is dead-eyed mystification at how the bases continue to be loaded.  Either way, the Cubs will be putrid for at least several more seasons leading to hopefully more exciting deadline day fire sales and angry Twitter ranting about A ball prospects years from fizzling out.

THE NBA OFFSEASON MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER

While Our Lads heroically trounce the world's stiffest big men at the Olympic games, the NBA continues its bizarre off-season.  The Association's impenetrable salary cap has nearly as many arcane exceptions as the English language.  Dwight Howard is annoying everyone all of the time with his unmanly waffling.  And the Bulls have disassembled the Bench Mob and shipped it piece by piece to other states.  Kyle Korver will join Cubs exiles in Atlanta, C.J. Watson will hoist up ill-advised threes in Brooklyn, Ronnie Brewer has hitched himself to the entertainingly dysfunctional Knicks, and John Lucas III has fled the country to the Toronto Raptors although unfortunately LeBron James has a passport and will inform customs that his purpose for entering Canada is dunking on John Lucas III.  Houston GM Daryl Morey cleverly designed a backloaded offer sheet to nab Omer Asik, who I will miss not only for his defensive prowess and resemblance to actor Judge Reinhold, but his spectacular flopping.  Asik has a long career after basketball as a Luc Besson villain who beats up an entire French Special Forces battalions only to get gently nudged by a point guard and go flying off every building in La Défense.

Asik's hands are stony enough that I am convinced he can be equally effective on offense while 
wearing giant foam lobster claws

The Bulls have acquired Former Dunk Contest Champion and Short Person Nate Robinson, Kirk Hinrich With Goggles, Rookie Marcus Teague, and Big Man Who Shoots Threes But Is Not John Shurna Marco Bellinelli.  The Bulls' bench won't matter much since Rose and Deng will miss a serious chunk of next season.  In the mean time, we can root for Deng and Pops Mensah-Bonsu to win a game in the Olympics and bring happiness to the eight people in the United Kingdom who enjoy basketball.
 
ROME

I've recently finished Rome, Robert Hughes's history of the Eternal City through its art and architecture.  The vast sweep of the book begins with Romulus and Remus and ends with a cantankerous attack on twenty-first century mass tourism and an unfair jeremiad against Italians as unworthy stewards of the cities' treasures because they are soccer-loving television-havers.

Hughes recognizes that the sprawling history of Rome cannot be contained in a single volume, even when focused on its rich collection of buildings, piazzas, paintings, and literature, so he feels free to meander.  Thus, we get a discussion of aqueducts and Roman baths as well as a brief primer on Roman military tactics.  He also knows that it is important to pause to discuss Caligula, Claudius, and Nero in order to briefly dispel some myths about their insanity while detailing which relatives came under their innovative incest, torture, and murder by overdose on laxatives programs.  The section on ancient Rome also contains a warning that we too would embrace watching gladiators slaughter each other for our amusement if it were a normal part of our society; it is certainly possible to imagine Hughes seeing an NFL game playing in an airport and throwing a decanter of sherry at the screen in disgust as the crowd  howls in approval for something James Harrison has done .
 
In defense of twentieth century America, smashing into people about the head is only a small part 
of the intricate ballet that is football and also you cannot use swords

Rome hits its stride in the Renaissance which brought breathtaking works to the city in a confluence of ambitious, powerful Popes, astronomically talented artists, and ideological pressure to reassert the power of the Church through grand artistic statements.  Yet, my favorite part of the chapter revolves around the host of unknown everyday Romans who appropriated classical statues in order to level sarcastic barbs at the government.  Thus, a charmingly dilapidated Roman statue of Menelaus became Pasquino, the mouthpiece for disaffected Romans.  Romans placed flyers depicting Pasquino's sayings under the statue as a makeshift  speech bubble.  Soon, he began to talk to other statues, especially a nearby likeness of Oceanus dubbed Marforio.  In the sixteenth century, Pasquino became an outlet for critical couplets, such as one attacking Sixtus V's vast building projects: "We've had it up to here with obelisks and fountains: It's bread we want, bread, bread, bread!"  The attacks could get more personal.  For example, Hughes describes a dirty shirt that appeared on Pasquino. Pasquino explained to Marforio that he wore the shirt because the Pope's former washerwoman sister had become a princess.  This pasquinade appeared to go too far.  Sixtus lured the satirist to the authorities with the promise to spare his life and give a handsome reward, but then also chopped off the man's hands and bore through his tongue.  According to Hughes, a this punishment did not deter Roman wits: 

The very next Sunday Pasquino was seen draped in a still-wet freshly laundered shirt, set to dry in the sun.  Marforio wondered why he couldn't wait until Monday.  "There's no time to lose," said Pasquino, thinking of His Holiness's taxation habits.  "If I stay until tomorrow perhaps I'll have to pay for the sunshine."

Pasquino and Marforio, the Statler and Waldorf of early modern Rome

Another wonderful section depicts the Italian futurists, who fulfilled the important modern art function of rejecting everything and issuing manifestos about the transformation of society.  Hughes lingers on the futurist Filippo Marinetti's crusade against pasta ("Ugh!  What piggish stuff, macaroni!") and the introduction of futurist food:

Thus the "Aeropainter" Fillia (the pseudonym of the Torinese artist Luigi Colombo) proposed what he termed "Aerofood."  the diner is served from the right with black olives, fennel hearts, and kumquats; to his left, a waiter places a rectangle made of sandpaper, silk, and velvet which he strokes as he eats, enjoying the contrasts of taste and texture.  As he eats, waiters spray the back of his neck with a conprofumo of carnations while, from an unseen source in the kitchen, the violent roar of an aircraft motor (conrumore) and some musical accompaniment by Bach (dismusica) are heard.

 Another dish called "Chickenfiat" involved stuffing a chicken with ball bearings to capture the flavor of the steel balls.

Rome is an excellent tribute to Rome's sublime and ridiculous.  His passion for the city comes through whether he is defending an artist he believes has been unfairly marginalized or rails against blights on his beloved landscape, such as the Victor Emmanuel monument dismissed as a "cyclopean monster" and "national urinal." 

WEEKS TO GO

The city of Evanston is significantly less eternal than Rome.  Nevertheless, Pat Fitzgerald and his council of advisers hope to make an architectural contribution by bathing it in the purple light of the Crown tower as much as humanly possible.  With the stagnation of the Cubs into a farm club for more successful baseball teams, an injury-ridden rump Bulls, and the Bears facing unrealistic Super Bowl aspirations, it should be a long August.  In the meantime, we can fill our time by falling into a patriotic fever asserting our superiority against the world in archery and horse-sports.